


He Loved Me; He Loves Me Not

by Otaku67



Category: Free!
Genre: Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Childhood Memories, Childhood Sweethearts, Fluff and Angst, Kissing, Love Triangles, M/M, Sexual Tension, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-16
Updated: 2014-08-01
Packaged: 2018-02-07 23:30:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 13,205
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1918209
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Otaku67/pseuds/Otaku67
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Makoto's feelings for Haru were in a dormant stage. Rin knew from their first conversation that he felt something special for Haru. Haru felt a special bond with Rin, and was oblivious to Makoto's feelings for him. Nagisa loved all of his friends, equally, in a friendly way.<br/>....but they had only been children. Now that they've grown up, things have changed. Haru's finally acknowledged his love for Makoto, and Nagisa's found romance for himself... But Rin, back from his abrupt move to Australia, has yet to move on.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

Although they were children, they were old enough to have crushes.

 

Makoto’s feelings for Haru were still in a dormant stage. They were there, certainly, but Makoto wasn’t aware of what they meant. The way his heart swelled with happiness whenever Haru was around, the constant urge to protect and care for him, the rush of joy he felt whenever Haru smiled… He misinterpreted these as typical signs of friendship. It seemed to him, young as he was, that it was natural for one’s best friend to make them so happy that their stomach filled with butterflies.

 

Rin’s feelings, on the other hand, developed a little swifter. He knew right from their first conversation that he felt something special for Haru, and instead of dismissing them as the joys of friendship, he indulged himself in figuring out just why he was so drawn to Haruka Nanase. It became clear to him in a rather short amount of time: he liked him, in that special way the kids would dreamily whisper about on the playground.

 

It was perhaps because of this contrast that Haru reacted to Rin’s affection while remaining even more oblivious to Makoto’s feelings than Makoto was himself. He could tell that something felt weird about their friendship, and he concluded that it was that they were meant to be _more_ than friends. Sure, he was immensely closer to Makoto- and even to Nagisa- but his bonds with them were…. different. While he felt an intense attachment to Makoto, he had a certain _need_ for Rin. He got strangely upset when he wasn’t around, and this feeling would only intensify after Rin moved away (but that wouldn’t happen for a decent while). Rin interested him, _fascinated_ him, and he wanted him in a way he couldn’t explain. Looking at him for too long, or being alone with him, made Haru’s heart beat funny.

 

Nagisa’s mind and heart (and appearance as well) were still young. He loved _all_ of his friends equally: in a friendly, non-romantic way. Yet, he was far from naive; in fact, he was possibly the most informed of them all. From the very first time he saw Makoto giving Haru his soft-eyed, warmly-grinning gaze, he could tell there was something going on there. He also realized immediately that special sparks flew between Rin and Haru. It was a little lonely, having no one to love and no one loving him, but these sad feelings were tiny and insignificant and Nagisa cheerily overlooked them. He was content watching from the sidelines and seeing his friends be happy.

 

This was how it was, and this was how it would be for a while.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Around the same time that Makoto started thinking that he felt a little differently about Haru than he had thought, Rin decided to act upon his own feelings. Makoto didn’t want to do anything too soon; he decided to give it at least another week of spending time with his best friend, paying special attention to how he felt around him, before he made any conclusions. Rin, on the other hand, was confident in his emotions and wanted to do something about them as soon as possible.

 

“Haru, are you ready to go home?” But Haru didn’t hear Makoto as they packed up to leave the school. Rin was talking to him off on their side of the classroom, and he nodded in response to something he said. Then they walked out together without saying a word to Nagisa or Makoto. “...okay, I’ll wait up for you,” Makoto called after them, but in a whisper, so it was more to himself.

 

But he couldn’t wait up. Nagisa was going home, too, and Makoto didn’t exactly want to stand around waiting by himself… So curiosity got the best of him and he followed after his two friends. He found them alone in an alley in the courtyard. Makoto peeked unobtrusively around the corner and watched in silence.

 

“I like you.”

 

Haru stared blankly back at Rin. “...yeah. We’re friends.”

 

“No, I mean…” Rin seemed frustrated, yet also a little nervous and embarrassed. “I _like_ you. Like, you know… _That way._ ”

 

The realization showed in Haru’s expression. The shock was mirrored on Makoto’s face; however, there was a sparkle of flattery and excitement behind Haru’s eyes, while Makoto’s shone with only heartbreak. “...oh. Well… You, too.”

 

“Huh?”

 

Haru blinked his eyes and glanced off to the side. “...I like you, too. That way.”

 

Now it was Rin that stood there with a baffled, blank look on his face. His demeanor changed gradually, as his shoulders loosened and his eyes widened, then suddenly he was grinning from ear to ear and his eyes were gleaming. “Seriously?! That’s… That’s so cool!” He laughed heartfully, and the hint of a smile turned at the corner of Haru’s lips.

 

Makoto was devastated. He wanted to turn away, stop watching this scene before it hurt him any more; but his entire body was frozen.

 

“...so, uh… What… Do we do now?” Rin asked after a moment of the two young boys smiling dumbly at each other.

 

“...kiss?” Haru suggested. It seemed like the natural way to show someone how you felt about them…

 

Rin’s cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink. “Oh! Uh… Yeah! Sure! Guess we could, huh?” He closed his eyes, and Haru did the same.

 

It was at that moment that Makoto finally willed his legs to move. He clamped his own eyes shut and dashed away, not sparing a glance back. But that didn’t change the fact that Rin and Haru then shared a kiss.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Makoto didn’t meet Haru at his house the next morning. He walked to school alone. When the time for swim practice came, he immediately sought out Nagisa.

 

“Why the long face, Mako-chan?” the little blonde asked as they changed into their swimsuits. Haru and Rin were on the opposite side of the room, chatting and acting as if they were the only ones in the world. Makoto didn’t answer Nagisa; only gazed solemnly in their friends’ direction. “Ohh… Are they dating?”

 

Makoto’s eyes widened and he snapped his attention toward Nagisa. “They’re too young for that!” he squeaked. After a pause, he glanced down at the floor. “...but, they do… _like_ each other…” He lowered his voice, though he knew Rin and Haru weren’t listening. “I saw them kiss.”

 

“Oh!” Nagisa grinned. “I _knew_ there was something between them! It was kinda obvious.” Makoto’s sorrowful expression became even more dejected at Nagisa’s exclamation. _Obvious…?_ Taking note of his change in expression, Nagisa pouted sympathetically and patted his arm. “I’m really sorry, Mako-chan… I know you like Haru, too.”

 

At this point, Makoto looked so forlorn that a single touch would probably cause him to crumble into a fit of tears. How could it be that Nagisa was aware of feelings he didn’t even know about himself?! Was he truly that oblivious? Did that mean that maybe Haru could tell, too? Heck, maybe even Rin could. Maybe everyone _except_ Makoto knew that Makoto had feelings for Haru…

 

“Um!” Nagisa interjected frantically. “It’s okay, Mako-chan! I don’t have anybody to like, soooo… What if _I_ tried to like you?” he offered.

 

Makoto managed to muster a sad smile. “I don’t think it works that way, Nagisa,” he said gently. “But thank you.”

 

They continued to get changed in silence.

 

“...you know…” Makoto forced the smile back onto his face, this time allowing his entire demeanor to loosen up along with it. He didn’t look quite as crestfallen now. “It’s okay. It does hurt a little, but… It’s okay! ‘Cause, if Haru’s happy, I’m happy,” he decided. He watched as Haru and Rin left the locker room together, Rin laughing and Haru fruitlessly holding back a smile.

 

Makoto continued to keep up a semblance of happiness while his heart shattered to pieces.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

The day eventually came that Rin moved away.

 

He gave his friends no warning. Out of the blue one day, he told Haru he would be leaving. Haru asked where and when; Rin told him Australia, and tomorrow. That would be the last he saw of him for a very long time.

 

Haru was absolutely crushed. Less than a week before he left, Rin had pulled him behind a tree after swim practice and given him a nice long kiss. This wasn’t the only time they had kissed except for that first one after Rin’s confession; they had shared scandalous little pecks under the jungle gym at recess and in the pool when nobody was looking. But they had _only_ been pecks. That last one had been… different. More meaningful. Looking back on it, Haru now acknowledged what exactly it meant: he figured Rin had intended it as a good-bye kiss.

 

This was Haruka Nanase’s first heartbreak, and it hit him hard. Makoto and Nagisa were both there to support him, but he didn’t want their comfort. He went through his days in silence, swimming on his own without listening to any instruction from Coach Sasabe and spending hours in his bathtub. This went on for at least a couple weeks.

 

Sometimes while he was soaking by himself, he wondered if Rin was in as much pain as he was. Quite honestly, he hoped he was hurt just as badly by the whole thing. It was an aggressive wish that Haru wondered whether or not he actually meant, but as he thought about how happy Rin had made him and how abruptly he had left, he knew he was sincere. It was the first time he ever wished ill will against Rin Matsuoka.


	2. Chapter 2

Years passed. As time moved on, so did Haru. Things quickly returned to normal and life proceeded as it would.

 

Haruka Nanase and Makoto Tachibana- 16 years old, now- were walking to school together just as they did every morning. They walked side-by-side in silence, but there was nothing awkward about it; they were both enjoying the peaceful morning, lost in their individual thoughts. With the gentle momentum of their walking, their fingers managed to lightly bump against each other at one point. They glanced sideways in unison; a blush immediately rose to Haru’s cheeks and he looked away. He didn’t, however, pull his hand any closer to his side.

 

Makoto flashed him an affectionate smile. He touched their fingers together again, on purpose this time. As they continued down the road, pinkies now hooked together, Makoto thought about how things had come to be this way. He recalled how Haru had confessed his feelings to him.

 

It had been a little more than a month ago. Haru had fallen asleep in the tub and consequently caught a cold, so Makoto was over his house caring for him. “You don’t have to do this…” Haru mumbled through a stuffy nose as Makoto, sitting on his bedside, took his temperature.

 

“Well, maybe I want to!” Makoto argued cheerfully. He furrowed his eyebrows in concern as he observed the thermometer. “...eesh, so high… We’ll have to find a way to bring that down.” He stripped off the wet cloth draped over Haru’s forehead and turned to re-wet it in the little bucket of cool water by his bedside.

 

Haru almost smiled at him. “Mom….” he teased under his breath.

 

Makoto paused. For just a fleeting moment, his expression changed from concerned to confused, and his eyes shone with hurt. The brief change would have gone unnoticed by Haru if the blush that rose to his cheeks had gone away when he quickly regained his composure. But it didn’t. Still, he immediately resumed wetting the cloth and put on his typical smile. “Mom, huh? I wouldn’t say that… I’m just a friend helping out a friend!”

 

Even though Makoto was a pretty good actor, Haru was very perceptive about him. He could hear the undertone of distress and slight quiver in his voice. This was quite curious to him. Why had his joking comment made him so upset? He stared at him intently as he carefully wrung out the cloth. …. _ah._

 

His voice spoke up on its own accord, without Haru even deciding to speak. The words just poured out of his mouth naturally. “If I wasn’t sick, I would kiss you.”

 

Makoto dropped the cloth on the floor.

 

“Huh-?! Haru, what are you…?!” He laughed nervously, scrambling to retrieve the cloth and brush off anything it picked up on the floor. “Don’t be silly… That’s only the fever talking.” He sounded as if he was saying that to himself, not Haru.

 

“How long have you felt this way about me, Makoto?”

 

Haru’s words pierced Makoto hard enough to paralyze him; he stopped flitting around, and slowly set the cloth back in the bucket. So Haru was onto him… There was no point in feigning innocence. “...a long time,” he murmured after a moment. “Since we were kids.”

 

Just as he leaned over to wet the cloth yet again, wishing to avoid an awkward situation, Haru pushed himself upright and wrapped his arms around Makoto’s neck. “I’m sorry,” he whispered, burying his face in Makoto’s shoulder.

 

“F...for what, Haru-?” His heart was fluttering so hard that Haru could feel it beat against his own chest.

 

“Leading you on for so long.” He sat back just enough that he could look Makoto in the eyes, keeping his arms linked around him. His face was red, either out of embarrassment or from the fever; Makoto assumed it was the latter. His own face, however, was blazing pink for the former reason. “You like me. I can tell... I’ll start returning your love. I promise.”

 

Makoto gulped nervously. His face felt hot, his chest was starting to hurt… “Haru, you don’t know what you’re saying… You’re sick-!”

 

But then Haru pressed his lips against Makoto’s cheek. Not just a sleepy little peck; a long, warm kiss that lasted for at least 10 seconds. He murmured something against Makoto’s ear before he pulled away, but it was a muffled whisper and Makoto couldn’t catch it.

 

Before Makoto could find any words to say, Haru had fallen asleep against his shoulder.

 

Makoto spent the night in fear of Haru’s fever getting worse and nobody being there to help him. The little scene that had gone down before Haru fell asleep played itself over and over in Makoto’s mind, even revisiting him in his dreams (except he dreamt that the kiss had been on the lips). However, by the following morning, he dismissed it all as fever-induced delusions and decided not to dwell on it. No sense in getting his hopes up… Haru probably wouldn’t even remember it, anyway.

 

Yet as Makoto was putting breakfast together for them, Haru approached him quietly from behind. “Makoto.”

 

His voice made Makoto jump. He smiled over his shoulder at him as he cooked. “Good morning, Haru… How are you feeling?”

 

“Fine.” It didn’t seem like he was lying; his cheeks were a normal color and there didn’t seem to be any cold sweat on his face. Still, just to be sure, Makoto turned away from the stove and pressed the back of his hand against his forehead. The fever seemed to have broken… “Where do you want to go out?”

 

“...hm? Go out-?” Okay, maybe he hadn’t fully recovered mentally.

 

“On a date. You like me, and I like you. So we’re dating now, right?”

 

Although the way Haru openly showed and declared his affections did seem to be spurred on by his fever, his feelings were genuine. They had been boyfriends ever since.

 

The amount of kisses they’d shared in the month since they started dating already tripled the ones Haru had ever shared with Rin.

~-~-~-~-~-~

Once they arrived at school, the couple met up with Nagisa Hazuki. Even after four years and Nagisa being a year younger than them, their friendship managed to stay intact. He was the same as always: endlessly optimistic and very single. Not that this was intended as a bad thing; he quite enjoyed riding solo. Plus, he refused to be reduced to a third wheel when Makoto and Haru started dating. Instead he became their biggest supporter, constantly embarrassing them by pointing out their subtle displays of affection and calling them out on how cute they were. It was obnoxious, but they appreciated it, honestly.

 

“Good morning, Haru-chan! Mako-chan!” Nagisa greeted cheerily.

 

“Morning, Nagisa,” Makoto returned with a smile while Haru mumbled something about dropping the “-chan.”

 

“I have someone I need you to meet after school!” Nagisa informed them, swinging his arms as he walked along ahead of them. He looked over his shoulder and flashed them a mischievous grin. “It’s a _girl._ ”

 

That made Makoto and Haru both pause for a moment and widen their eyes. They exchanged a glance; had Nagisa finally found himself a girlfriend-?!

 

But it wasn’t like that at all.  

 

They met up with Nagisa after school just as requested, and with him was, in fact, a girl. She was fairly cute, with her hair pulled up into a ponytail; hair that was a strange shade of burgundy that they had only seen once before. Haru felt an aura of recognition emanating from her.

 

“Mako-chan, Haru-chan, this is Gou-chan!” Nagisa introduced proudly.

 

“It’s _Kou,_ ” the girl scoffed, her expression turning not-so-cute.

 

Nagisa smiled passively at her. “Sorry, Gou-chan.” Smiling wider at the way Gou’s face started turning red with anger, Nagisa turned back to his friends. “She’s been in my homeroom all year and I knew she looked familiar, but I couldn’t talk to her ‘till yesterday. She’s _Rin-chan’s_ little sister!” Haru’s eyes widened. He knew he had known her from somewhere...

 

The rage had already disappeared off of Gou’s face. “It’s good to see you again, you two! It’s been a while… Though we didn’t exactly talk much back then.” She smiled anyway. “I told Nagisa-kun, and he wanted me to tell you too… My brother came back from Australia last month!”

 

Haru and Makoto both froze. Rin… was back? After disappearing without a good-bye and never sending them so much as one “hello…” He was just, back?

 

“Isn’t that great?!” Nagisa squealed, his eyes full of stars. “Rin-chan is back! We finally get to see him again!”

 

His excitement was completely lost on Haru, and even Makoto remained a little nervous. Haru ignored him and turned to Gou. “Does he go to Iwatobi, too?” he asked.

 

To either his relief or his disappointment- he couldn’t honestly tell which- Gou shook her head. “He goes to Samezuka. They have a huge swimming program…” She smiled around at the three boys. “I was going to stop by on my way home today, would you guys like to pay him a visit, too?”

 

Silence.

 

“...ah…. Maybe, it’s for the best that we not see him right away,” Makoto finally answered after it was evident that Nagisa was waiting on their opinions, and Haru wasn’t going to speak up. In fact, Haru seemed distracted, as if he was thinking of something else and hadn’t even heard Gou.

 

“What?!” Nagisa gasped, surprised. “It’s been so long! We should see him ASAP!” he whined.

 

“Nagisa…” Makoto said patiently. He pulled the shorter boy over next to him, and leaned down to his height. “It’s taken Haru this long to stop missing Rin, so he needs a little more time away from him. Seeing him wouldn’t really be wise,” he whispered.

 

Nagisa glanced over at Haru. He still appeared to be lost in thought. “O _kay_ …” Nagisa sighed, pouting slightly. He turned back to Gou. “Sorry, Gou-chan, we’re gonna have to turn you down this time.”

 

“Oh, that’s alright… ...but call me _Kou._ ”

~-~-~-~-~-~

After a brief series of events involving Gou and Nagisa wishing to start up a swim team for Iwatobi, Haru just wanting to swim, and Makoto being supportive of his friends’ ideas, the three boys formed the Iwatobi Swim Club with Gou Matsuoka as their manager.

 

None of the boys had a problem with Gou. She was a bit… feisty, and ambitious, but she did well for their small, developing swim team. One day, however, she sprung something on them that they didn’t entirely agree with.

 

It had been about a week after the swim team formed. As usual, Gou had stopped by Samezuka to watch her brother (and his delightfully muscular teammates) practice. “...oy, Gou. Can I ask you something?”

 

Gou perked up as Rin approached her, a towel around his shoulders. “Huh? Yeah, sure, go ahead…”

 

Rin hesitated, as if embarrassed about what he was about to say. “...er… So… How’s your, swim team coming along?” he began awkwardly.

 

“...fine?”

 

“Cool.” He coughed, glancing off to the side. “Don’t you think they would benefit from, I dunno… Practicing with a, more experienced team?”

 

Gou raised an eyebrow, crossing her arms lightly. “Are you suggesting I set them up to practice with you guys?”

 

“...uh. Yeah.”

 

Gou sighed and moved her hands to her hips. “I told you, they didn’t want to see you. They’re kind of mad about you leaving them like that.”

 

“Well, that was a week ago!” Rin argued. “And I mean, it’s not like I’m asking them to come hang out with me… It’s just, been a really long time since I saw him.”

 

Gou wasn’t positive as to whether he said “him” or “them.” She chose to assume the latter.  “...well… I guess it _would_ be good for them to see a nationally ranked swim team at work...” She scratched her head, then groaned. “Fine, fine, I’ll arrange your dumb joint practice.”

 

Rin lit up at her words. “You will?” A big, toothy grin stretched across his face and he ruffled his sister’s hair endearingly. “Thanks.”

 

And so the following evening, Gou escorted the Iwatobi swim team through the doors of Samezuka Academy, without having told them which school they were going to. By the time they read the signs, it was already too late.

 

“Did Rin put you up to this?” Haru hissed as they walked through the doors. He hardly talked to Gou, as he was typically only around her when there was a pool nearby; but this was a matter that needed to be verbalized.

 

“No! ….well, I mean… He, _suggested_ it….” She scratched her cheek, smiling nervously. “But, I know you don’t want to see him, so, you don’t need to talk to him or anything! So you can just dive in the pool, I’ll tell him to leave you alone.”

 

Still, Haru wasn’t convinced. While Nagisa flitted about, gawking over the size of their pool, Haru glared at the ground, his blood boiling. Makoto placed a hand on his shoulder. “Hey… It’ll be okay, Haru. It’s just a swim meet,” he murmured reassuringly. Haru paused and looked into Makoto’s gently smiling face. Suddenly he was calm again.

 

“Alright, you three, go get changed! Practice starts in five minutes,” Gou instructed, clapping her hands.  The Iwatobi boys disappeared into one of the locker rooms just as Rin emerged from the other one.

 

“Gou!” he called, waving her down with a smile. He never looked so excited to see his little sister. “Where’s your team?”

 

“Getting changed,” she answered him once he made his way over to her. He looked way too happy; it was freaking her out a little.

 

“....I finally get to see him again…” Rin sighed airily, gazing at nothing. It was too quietly to tell, but he may have added “Haru…” in a whisper.

 

...so _that_ was it. Gou knew what had gone on between Rin and Haru all those years ago. And, as his sister, she could tell that Rin’s feelings remained unchanged. ...but as Haru and Makoto’s manager, she could also tell that their relationship was a special one. She had to warn Rin before he tried to do anything strange. “Rin, I should probably tell you-”

 

“ _RIN-CHAN!_ ” Nagisa bolted out of the locker room before Gou could finish her sentence. He latched onto Rin’s arm and spun around, grinning from ear-to-ear. “It’s been so long!”

 

“Hey, Nagisa… You haven’t changed much.” But Rin was hardly paying any mind to the boy on his arm. His magenta eyes were locked on Haruka Nanase: his first kiss, and questionably his first love. He smiled at him. “Haru… Been a while.”

 

Haru was avoiding his gaze. It took him a moment before he said, “Yeah,” and even then he still didn’t look up.

 

Rin interpreted this as just part of his quiet personality: something he had missed. He kept smiling. “We’re doing relays today. You and I should race.”

 

At first, Haru thought about looking to Gou for assistance, to tell her brother Haru wanted nothing to do with him. Yet when he lifted his eyes, his entire demeanor changed. It had been one thing, having gone so long without seeing Rin and having the last physical memory of him being that he had broken his heart. But having Rin standing here in front of him was another thing entirely. He wasn’t overwhelmed with joy at having his old special friend back or anything; though he also wasn’t overwhelmed with rage, as he had anticipated. In fact, he wasn’t really overwhelmed at all. He wasn’t quite sure what he felt.

 

“...sure. We’ll race.”

 

His teammates and Gou looked at him in shock, while Rin gave him a big grin. “Great. I look forward to it.” He reached out to touch him- pat him on the shoulder, or give him a high five, or even hug him- but Haru stepped back. Just because he wasn’t enraged at the sight of him didn’t mean he was comfortable with him. Rin’s smile finally slipped.

 

After some warm-up stretches and an introduction of the Iwatobi team from Captain Mikoshiba, the relay began. Haru made sure to stay to the back so that he and Rin were one of the last pairs to go. “Which form are we swimming?” Rin asked as they waited.

 

“I only swim free.”

 

He smiled. “Same old Haru.”

 

Haru kept his eyes straight ahead.

 

It finally came down to the two of them, and they positioned themselves on the starting boards. Rin had a further start than Haru; Haru swam fast, but hardly closed the gap. He didn’t care about winning, he only wanted to swim… ...but as he acknowledged who was in the lane next to him, he was suddenly flooded with memories. Things that had been so happy at the time, but now hurt to recall… Rin had made him fall in love with him, then just disappeared out of the blue…

 

After they kicked off the wall, Haru suddenly gained the lead.

 

Both boys swam as hard as they could, Makoto and Nagisa’s cheers of “GO HARU!” swamped by Samezuka’s chorus of “GO MATSUOKA!” In the end, they hit down at the same exact time. A tie.

 

As Rin pulled himself out of the pool, he was, unexpectedly, smiling. Haru removed his goggles and stared at him in surprise. He would have thought that Rin would have been crushingly determined to beat him, especially considering their last race had ended in Haru’s victory… But he seemed so content with this tie. “Nice race, Haru,” he praised with a grin as he stripped off his goggles and cap. He turned to offer his hand to him; but Makoto (who had won his own race) was already there, helping Haru out of the pool while wearing an adoring smile. This immediately struck Rin as a little odd.

 

Still, he overlooked it. “Haru,” he said once he was out of the pool. “Can I talk to you alone for just a sec?” Haru and Makoto exchanged a hesitant glance.

 

“...sure,” Haru answered without certainty. Makoto watched, worried, as Rin led Haru to a far off corner of the room.

 

For a moment, they only stood in silence, Rin’s expression between an excited smile and an awkward frown and Haru’s face as apathetic as usual. “...so,” Rin began. “I’m, sorry I left like that. It’s just-”

 

“No,” Haru cut him off. He had been avoiding Rin’s eyes while still facing him, but now he stared him straight in the face. “I don’t want to talk about this. It’s in the past now.”

 

Rin opened his mouth, and then closed it. He should have expected that Haru wasn’t going to be thrilled to see him after he had disappeared so suddenly… Still, he had so much left to say: how Haru had changed, yet he also hadn’t; how he did well in the relay; how it’s so weird but so nice seeing him again; how he’s still hanging out with Makoto and Nagisa; but most importantly, how they should hang out sometime.

 

But Haru interrupted again before he could decide on what to say. “I have to go,” he told him sharply. He then turned away and headed back to the remainder of his waiting team.

 

When he returned to Makoto, he reached out to him and they walked to the locker room hand-in-hand.

 

At that moment, Rin’s expression converted into one of devastation. When they were kids, there wouldn’t have been anything peculiar about them holding hands; but at this age, friends only held hands if they were _very close_ to each other. The type of close Rin had never expected Makoto and Haru to get. “ _Rin, I should probably tell you…_ ” Was this what Gou tried to say to him? That Haru… had someone else?

 

As he felt his heart shatter into pieces, Rin realized something. He didn’t just want to _hang out_ with Haru: he wanted to pick up where they left off. He wanted to kiss him, touch him, swim with him... and love him all over again. It was clear that Haru had moved on with his life; but Rin now acknowledged that he himself was stuck back in time, unmoving.

  
Things had changed.


	3. Chapter 3

The single life was beginning to seem a little less glorious to Nagisa. While he was endlessly supportive of them, watching his friends fawn over each other was gradually starting to lose its appeal. It made him wonder what it was like to have someone look at him the way Makoto looked at Haru, or what it felt like to care about someone as much as Haru cared about Makoto. He was beginning to fall into a bit of a slump.

 

However, his silent prayers were suddenly answered by a bespectacled member of the track team.

 

It was the cliche love-at-first-sight scenario. Nagisa was staring absently out the window as he rode the train to school, as always, when he saw him jogging down the road. Something about him made his heart stop. His blue hair blowing in the breeze, his muscles, his aura of sophistication… He recognized the boy: Rei Ryugazaki, a fellow first year. They never interacted so Nagisa never took note of him, but now that he had…. He decided he needed to know everything about him. He pressed his face against the glass and watched a little more intently. _You’re perfect,_ he thought to himself. So this was what it was like to have a crush… Nagisa felt revived.

 

Over the next few days, he was a different person. His optimism was of a different sort: instead of bouncing off the walls and grinning mischievously, he floated on cloud nine and always wore a dreamy smile. He thought about Rei day and night, and formulated excuses to talk to him. However, the opportunity never came until one day when Rei decided to ride the train.

 

As if this wasn’t lucky enough, Rei also happened to choose the seat right next to Nagisa. His nose was buried in a book, so he didn’t take note of the boy beside him; but Nagisa sure did. His heart was beating with exhilaration. “You’re Rei Ryugazaki, right?”

 

Rei glanced up from his book. “I am. ...you’re… Nagisa Hazuki, yes?”

 

 _He knows my name!_ Nagisa squealed in his head. He could just about die. “I am! So, I’m in the swim club, annnnd we need new members… You look like just the right guy!” He wiggled his eyebrows.

 

“Sorry, but I’ve already selected the track team,” Rei informed him, reverting his attention back to his book and adjusting his glasses.

 

Nagisa pouted. “Oh…” He wanted to pursue him further, but he feared that he’d go over the top and scare him away. So instead he shut his mouth and basked in the joy of being so close to such an attractive human being.

 

But Nagisa Hazuki was not a quitter. Every day, he managed to find Rei in the halls or on the train and advertise the swim team to him. And every day, he got shot down.

 

Yet somehow, by the end of the week, Rei Ryugazaki appeared at the pool and announced he would be the Iwatobi Swim Team’s fourth member. Nagisa was in love.

~-~-~-~-~-~

 Gou was visiting her brother after Iwatobi’s practice. She was in a wonderful mood that day; even Captain Mikoshiba’s typical ridiculous flirtations didn’t faze her. This odd behavior of hers didn’t go unnoticed by Rin.

 

“Why are you in such a good mood?” he asked with a cocked eyebrow as he did his stretches.

 

“It’s just… so _great_!” she squealed, holding her face in both of her hands and smiling airily. Rin just continued to stare at her until she provided an explanation. She sighed happily. “The atmosphere at swim practice. It’s so lovey-dovey that it’s _nauseating_. I love it!” But Rin still didn’t completely catch what exactly she was talking about. Gou opened her mouth and started to talk about how Makoto and Haru were so subtly yet also so obviously in love; but cooing over something that had torn her brother’s heart to pieces seemed a bit… demonic. So she quickly swerved around that topic. “Nagisa and the new guy- Rei- are _adorable._ They don’t even realize it, but they flirt ALL the time. Always giving each other little looks, touching each others’ shoulders and hands, teasing each other… I can hardly take it!”

 

Her excitement was one-sided, though. “...huh. So even _Nagisa_ has something going for him now.” His demeanor darkened and he stood, then dived into the pool. Gou wondered if she shouldn’t have said anything at all.

 

Rin was right, though: Nagisa did indeed have something going for him.

 

One weekend, Haru had come over to Makoto’s house to watch a movie. His mother greeted him at the door. If Ren and Ran weren’t out with their father, they would have also bombarded him in the doorway. “Haru! Makoto didn’t tell me you were coming over… Of course, you’re _always_ welcome here,” she insisted with a warm smile very similar to her son’s.

 

“It’s nice to see you, Mrs. Tachibana,” Haru said with a respectful nod to his head. He took off his shoes and met Makoto in the living room, where he was setting up the DVD player. When he noticed his boyfriend, he stood with a smile and took his face in his hands.

 

“Hey there, handsome,” Makoto crooned, giving Haru a soft “hello” kiss on the lips. Haru’s cheeks turned a light shade of pink.

 

“Your mom is in the room over,” he mumbled.

 

“I know,” Makoto retorted cheerfully, sliding his hand from Haru’s face to his hand and leading him to the couch. “She _loves_ you, Haru. My whole family does. Just yesterday she was asking when the wedding was…” He chuckled and pressed _Play_ on the remote. Haru positioned himself under Makoto’s arm and cuddled into his side.

 

“What movie are we watching?” he asked, resting his hand on Makoto’s knee.

 

“ _Soul Surfer_. You haven’t seen that one yet, right?”

 

Haru shook his head. “I heard it was-”

 

He was interrupted by Makoto’s ringtone blaring from his pocket. He removed his arm from Haru’s shoulders and slipped out his cell phone, simultaneously hitting _Pause_ on the remote. The caller ID read _Nagisa Hazuki_. “Hey Nagisa, what’s-”

 

“ _MAKOTO!_ ” His shriek was so loud that Makoto had to pull the phone away from his ear. “Is Haru there too?!”

 

“Mhm…”

 

“Cool, put it on speaker!”

 

Makoto and Haru glanced at each other curiously, and Makoto obeyed. “Okay, okay, listen to this. Are you listening?! Okay, so I was at Rei-chan’s last night, right?” Nagisa began, absolutely ecstatic. “And this morning I told him we should hang out waaaay more. But I was teasing! Like, I did the eyebrow wiggle and everything! But you know Rei-chan never teases, and he said,” Nagisa cleared his throat and did his best impression of Rei, “ _‘If you’re suggesting that we date, I would be happy to comply.’_ And his face was _all red_ and he said- ready? Ready?! He said, _‘I apologize for being rash, but… Would you go out with me?’_ ” Nagisa then exploded into a fit of squeals and giggles.

 

“Wow, really?! That’s amazing, Nagisa! I’m so happy for you!” Makoto congratulated, smiling. Haru nodded his head as if Nagisa could see him.

 

“Tha- ooh! I’m getting a call from him right now! Gotta go!” And then Nagisa hung up as abruptly as he had called.

 

“...huh, well look at that! Nagisa and Rei are dating now,” Makoto exclaimed. “Good for them!”

 

“Yeah… Nagisa really likes him.” To Makoto’s surprise and delight, a small smile appeared on Haru’s face. Makoto smiled back and resumed the movie.

 

The entire Iwatobi Swim Club had found love, it seemed. ...of course, Rin was not on their team, so he wasn’t included. Not since they were children.

 

That being said, Rin wasn’t actually as alone as it appeared. Aiichirou Nitori- his roommate and underclassman- had fallen in love with him at first sight, just like Nagisa with Rei. However, Nitori didn’t pursue Rin nearly as aggressively. Instead, he showed his adoration by praising him after every practice, and being optimistic whenever Rin was in a bad mood (which seemed to be incessant at this point), but he stayed out of his way when his mood was REALLY dangerous.

 

Unfortunately, Rin didn’t appreciate any of this. Nitori’s “You did so well today, Senpai!”s were always greeted with an uninterested grunt or “Thanks,” and his attempts to cheer him up were always ignored or met with anger. Nitori meant absolutely nothing to him. His mind was focused on only two things: becoming the best swimmer anyone could possibly be, and Haruka Nanase.

 

Oftentimes, when Rin was particularly steamed, Nitori would ask if he needed to talk about what was bothering him. While meant to be thoughtful, these efforts only made Rin even more peeved and he always blew Nitori off. ….maybe he was wrong. Maybe he _did_ need to talk about it, he just didn’t _want_ to. Perhaps venting his inner frustrations to someone willing to lend their ear would do him well…

  
But he didn’t need to _talk_ about Haruka Nanase; he needed to get him back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait! I wanted to get this done before I left for vacation, but I had a bad case of writer's block... But I'm home now, so here it is! This was originally going to be a much longer chapter, but I decided to split it into two separate chapters instead.

Rin’s mind was constantly preoccupied with thoughts of Haru. He reacted in a plethora of ways: sometimes it made him just frustrated enough that he could still muddle through his day; sometimes it confused and distracted him; sometimes it made him angry, and he used this anger as fuel to go about his day in an intense rage (people stayed out of his way when he was like this and he seemed to get more things done, though sloppily so).

 

Regardless of how he felt about it, he always had the desire to see him again. It eventually became just too overwhelming. So one day, after school but before practice, he paid a visit to Iwatobi.

 

Their practice was just finishing up when he arrived. Haru was the only one remaining in the pool. Gou was inside and Rei and Nagisa had left to get changed, so that left Makoto to be the one to greet him. Covering up his shocked confusion, he gave him a smile. “Oh, hi, Rin! This is a surprise…”

 

Makoto had to admit; being around Rin made him a little nervous. Still, he wanted to avoid any drama, so he needed to at least pretend to be friendly.

 

“Yeah…. I, came to see Haru,” Rin told him without really looking at him. His gaze was aimed toward the pool where Haru was doing casual laps, unaware of the world outside.

 

That made Makoto even more uncomfortable. But he told himself he needed to trust him. “Haru,” he called hesitantly over his shoulder, “can you get out of the pool now, please?”

 

At first, Haru continued swimming; he knew he was supposed to stop swimming minutes ago, yet that wasn’t stopping him. But as he made his next turn, he felt Rin’s stare and acknowledged his presence. He stopped, stared back at him for a moment, and then gradually pulled himself out of the water. He reached for a towel and sluggishly rubbed his head with it, subconsciously intending to prolong the time before he got to Rin. He walked slowly.

 

“Haru, I need to talk to you.” There was no _“Can I talk to you”_ or _“I want to talk to you"_ ; Rin needed to talk to him and so he let him know.

 

Haru gave Makoto an uncertain glance. Makoto wasn’t smiling anymore and it was clear now that he was a bit nervous. Nonetheless, he nodded and watched as Rin, hands in pockets, led Haru to a private area behind the locker room.

 

They stood in silence for a few moments. Rin felt his face heat up with embarrassment; he realized, now, how rash this visit was. He had acted on the intense desire to just see Haru, expecting that to clear something up… But while his heart was thudding intensely, his mind drew a blank. Unable to channel a logical thought, he decided it easiest to act on impulse, let his heart take control. Anything to break the horrid, tense silence…

 

So he grabbed Haru by the shoulders and kissed him.

 

Rin didn’t even have a moment to bask in the feeling he had missed, yearned for, for so long. Haru’s eyes widened in alarm and he pushed Rin away with all his strength the moment their lips made contact. The back of his hand flew to his mouth and he rubbed off his lips vigorously. He kept it there as he spoke, as if he feared Rin would try again and he needed a shield. “There was a reason I didn’t want to talk about it,” he hissed. He didn’t need to clarify what “it” was; even in his baffled state, Rin knew what he was referring to.

 

“Haru- I’m- Look, I just-” he spluttered, his head pounding even harder with a flurry of incoherent thoughts and feelings. But Haru had no intent of listening to anything he had to say. He shoved him out of his way with more fury than the apathetic boy had ever displayed and rushed back to Makoto.

 

“Haru, wait!” Rin cried uselessly. He wanted to run after him, but his feet wouldn’t move. The world was spinning. Haru… _His_ Haru… had been so close in his grasp… Even if just for a moment, he had gotten to touch him, feel the cool feeling of his lips against his… His heart was supposed to soar with joy, and everything was supposed to go back to the way Rin wanted it to be; yet his heart was broken and he watched as the one he loved returned to the one _they_ loved.

 

He hid his face in his hands, shaking, squeezing his head tightly. How could he have been so stupid?! If he had actually used his head, things wouldn’t have ended up this way… ...but of course he couldn’t use his head. The very thought of Haruka Nanase controlled his mind, left him weak and bewildered. He let out a frustrated cry, digging his fingers even harder into his hair and kicking the locker room. “Fuck this… Fuck _all_ of this!” he gasped under his breath. He was so overcome with frustration, now, that he didn’t acknowledge the throbbing pain in the toe he had kicked against the wall or in his shattered heart. Looking at and speaking to no one, he charged out the gate and back to Samezuka in a fit of rage, confusion, and tears.

 

The kiss had been seen by a single witness, casually leaving the locker room at just the wrong time. They didn’t plan on telling anyone.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

By the time Rin returned to his own school, he had boiled down to nothing but anger. He could think more clearly, now, and each thought he had came across him aggressively. _What does Makoto have that I don’t? Why doesn’t he leave him and come back to me? Didn’t he miss me while I was gone? Doesn’t he realize I still love him?_ Why _do I still love him?! Why can’t I accept that he doesn’t love me anymore?!_ He grew more and more heated with each question.

 

There was another thought that also came through to him, too, over and over. The blurry image of what he had just done to Haru played on repeat. The feeling of his lips against his, even if just for a second, had given him such a guilty pleasure… It had filled his stomach with butterflies, just like the pecks they’d shared as kids would do. ...but he wasn’t a kid anymore, and being so close to Haru made him feel _other things,_ too. That brief kiss wasn’t nearly enough to satisfy him. He wanted, needed, to touch him… Feel him squirm, hear him moan with pleasure… Kiss him in more places than just his lips…. He groaned exasperatedly at how intensely he wanted it.

 

He slammed the door hard enough to make the entire room shake after storming furiously inside his dorm. Nitori, reading at his desk, jumped at the sound, but otherwise remained silent; he recognized this as one of Rin’s dangerous moods and knew it was best to just ignore him. However, when he glanced up at him huffing with his back against the door, he realized something was different this time. Rin wasn’t just _angry,_ he was _upset;_ he could tell by the tear tracks on his reddened face.  Rin needed some cheering up and calming down… Eyes wide, Nitori closed his book and started to smile at him. “Welcome back, Senpa-”

 

“How do you feel about me?” 

 

Rin’s breath caught in his throat as he cut off Nitori. Amongst the murky field of his despairing emotions, he saw a speck of light. A solution to his frustrations… Yes, it was perfect-! The perfect excuse to unleash his painful feelings about Haru was sitting right in front of him.

 

...although, this didn’t mean his mind was clear. It was, after all, just a small speck of light. All of his frustrations still remained, he was still enraged and confused. That tiny light, the potential solution to his problems, was actually just as horrid as every other dark feeling he had. But Rin was too desperate to realize this.

 

“Well?” he urged when Nitori didn’t respond. His underclassman sat frozen, his eyebrows furrowed together nervously and a blush rising to his cheeks. He loved Rin; he saw through all of his flaws, endlessly admired all of his _good_ qualities, and would do absolutely anything for him to appreciate him… But there was no way he’d be able to tell him that! Especially not on such short notice… Sure, he often fantasized about how he would go about confessing his feelings, but he never actually anticipated being in a situation where he would have to.

 

“Um… I, think you’re very cool, Senpai!” he squeaked, cracking under Rin’s heated yet cold stare.

 

But Rin hardly heard him. He wasn’t looking for any particular answer; just some sort of assurance that Nitori was fond enough of him to allow him to unleash everything he was feeling onto him. Everything came pouring back down on him as he stepped across the room. The feel of Haru’s lips, the sound of Haru’s voice, the sight of Haru’s face… And the reminder that these would never belong to him. He walked faster toward Nitori’s desk.

 

“Um, Senpai, are you um… Okay-?”

 

Rin grabbed the front of Nitori’s shirt in both of his fists and yanked him out of his chair. In the same movement, he leaned down and kissed him, forcefully and deeply. Nitori had no time to even register what was happening, but Rin wasn’t pulling away, and soon enough it sunk in. Nitori’s face burned red from ear to ear, and his eyes grew so wide that they practically popped out of their sockets. “Mm-!” he shrieked against Rin’s lips, too surprised to try and squirm away or dare to kiss him back. Rin pulled away just as Nitori was starting to feel dizzy, a trail of saliva connecting their mouths.

 

Nitori was utterly flustered, and Rin moved much too fast for him to keep up. He tossed him onto the bottom bunk before he could even catch his breath and crawled on top of him, releasing his grip on his shirt and reaching instead for its hem. As he slid the shirt up to Nitori’s neck, revealing his entire torso, and pulled his shorts down to his knees to reveal his briefs, Nitori’s mind finally unfroze and he realized what exactly was going on. This wasn’t some lovely dream where his beloved Rin-senpai caught him off guard with a surprise kiss; on the contrary, it was a nightmare, and it was all too real. His face flushed.

 

Suddenly terrified, Nitori started to squirm, but Rin immediately pinned his wrists to the bed with his own hands and entwined their legs so that he couldn’t move. He placed wet kisses all over his abdomen and chest; not gently and lovingly, but furiously. Nitori wriggled uncomfortably, whimpering with everything but pleasure. He let out a high-pitched cry of protest as one of Rin’s teeth scraped against his shoulder, and Rin silenced him with a heated, sloppy, loveless kiss. Nitori clamped his eyes shut tightly and fruitlessly attempted to turn his face away.

 

Rin took no notice of Nitori’s distress. Ecstasy had overtaken all coherent thoughts except for one: Haru’s name, chanted over and over in Rin’s mind. _Haru… Haru… Haru…_ It echoed incessantly as he grazed his lips all over Nitori’s pale body. It gave Rin the illusion that this was not his frightened roommate beneath his body, but actually Haru, squirming with pleasure. _Haru…. Haru… Haru…_ “...Haru,” he unconsciously whispered under his breath as he began kissing at Nitori’s neck. Nitori shivered at the feeling of his warm breath against his sensitive skin and Rin smirked contentedly, still believing he was making love to Haru. He gave him a fierce nip and started forcefully sucking at his neck.

 

He removed one hand from Nitori’s wrists and started using it to teasingly touch at his crotch. Reacting in the spur of the moment, Nitori seized this opportunity and used his newly freed hand to shove at Rin’s chest, and ripped his other hand away. He recovered his voice for just an instant. “ _STOP_!” he screamed.

 

The sound of his shout seemed to snap Rin back to reality. That was not a scream of pleasure, not Haru’s voice; that was Nitori, his innocent underclassman, screaming in distress. He froze, face bent over Nitori’s neck and hand hovering above his crotch, and suddenly his mind cleared and his senses returned to him. As he slowly raised his head and removed his hand, he saw that tears rolled down Nitori’s face and his entire body was tense and quivering. His expression was that of pure terror. And, Rin now realized, it was entirely his fault. He no longer felt angry, or confused, or frustrated; only crushingly guilty.

 

He sat back and brought his hands to his head, unable to come to terms with what he had just done. How could he possibly have allowed himself to entirely lose control and do… _this_ …?! He needed to say something; tell Nitori that he was so extremely sorry, that he wasn’t himself and he had no idea what he was doing… But the moment he sat back, Nitori scrambled out from under him, tripping out of the bed due to the pants around his knees, let out an embarrassed cry, and hurried up to the safety of his own bunk.

  
Rin didn’t fall asleep that night. And all night long, he heard Nitori sobbing above him.


	5. Chapter 5

When Rin awoke after a brief, restless sleep, Nitori was not there. He worried about him all day, making him distant and inattentive in every class. He felt a spark of hope when it came time for swim practice; but the guilt and worry returned tenfold when Nitori wasn’t there, either. His strokes and times were the worst they had ever been, and consequently Captain MIkoshiba let him leave practice early.

 

On the bright side, Rin hadn’t thought about Haru even once that day.

 

When he returned to his dorm that evening, feeling all-around terrible, his heart leapt as he opened the door and saw Nitori sitting in his bunk and reading a magazine. For the first time since they became roommates, he didn’t even attempt to greet Rin. His heart sunk again.

 

Rin’s voice was stuck in his throat. He wanted to say something, but what do you say to the person you had _attempted to rape_? “ _I’m sorry_ ”? A load of good that would do… Still, Rin couldn’t handle the crushing silence. “...Nitori, I…” He choked out. “I am, _so_ sorry.”

 

It would have been wishful thinking to hope that Nitori wouldn’t ignore him. If he were in his position, he would never speak to him again... ...yet Nitori sat up at Rin’s words and gave him a bright, sincere smile. “That’s okay, Senpai! I know you were just upset. If that’s your way of venting, then, I’m glad I could help!”

 

Rin was stunned. Was he… serious? His admired upperclassman had jumped on him, tried to strip him, and touched him inappropriately, all while thinking another man’s name… And Nitori was _okay with that_?! Rin felt disgusted; either at Nitori’s naivety or the memory of his actions, or a mix of both. “...that is… so fucked up…” he uttered under his breath. But as he felt his blood begin to boil and his muscles begin to tense, he repeated it louder. “That is _so_ fucked up!”

 

The incredulous sympathy in his face was suddenly replaced by an expression of offense. “No, it’s _not_ okay. How can you say it’s okay?! What I did to you, was… was… Disgusting, and unforgivable! Y...you’re going to have to live with the experience of… almost being _raped_ … for your _entire life_! And you’re trying to tell me that’s _okay_?! Nitori, I tried to _rape you._ ” The forcefulness in his voice was replaced with despair as he sobbed out the last sentence, saying it more to himself than to Nitori and feeling a wave of shame.

 

“....Senpai…” It was as if Rin’s tirade only made Nitori feel more forgiving. Eyebrows furrowed together sympathetically, he climbed down from his bunk and reached out to gently touch Rin’s arm. But Rin smacked him away.

 

“Don’t fucking touch me!” he yelled. “I… I don’t want to hurt you anymore than I already have!”

 

His aggressiveness had startled Nitori, and Rin’s eyes widened as he saw Nitori’s scared, hurt expression. A familiar feeling began to rise in his chest… and then it crashed down on him all at once. It dawned on him like a bright sunlight that Nitori wasn’t just nice to him because he was a pushover; for whatever reason, Nitori sincerely cared about Rin, and everything he’s done, he’d done out of love. And everything about him, he realized with a throb- his eyes, his laugh, his kindness, his devotion to swimming even though he isn’t that good- had made Rin fall in love with him.

 

Rin’s heart gave a subtle leap at this new realization. This should have been a good sign; it meant that had had finally moved on from Haru! ...except, that wasn’t the case. It was honestly ridiculous to assume that the feelings he had harbored for all these years would vanish at the prospect of another potential love interest. His feelings for Haruka Nanase still lingered just as strongly as before, and these affections toward Aiichirou Nitori were simply in addition to them. This was not a good realization: it was a major problem.

 

The memory of the night prior flashed in his mind, except this time, it was accompanied by the image of Haru holding Makoto’s hand after the joint practice. Falling in love with Nitori was an ideal way to get over Haru at last. ...but Rin knew that he would only ever cause him pain. There was no way he would choose to be so selfish; not if it meant hurting Nitori so badly.

 

 _...what a load of shit,_ he thought miserably as tears brimmed in his eyes. Then the tears spilled over, and he began to sob. Nitori immediately stepped forward and enveloped him in a comforting hug. Rin didn’t hug him back, for fear of breaking him with even the slightest touch.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

“...Makoto… I want to have sex.”

 

Makoto choked on his own breath as he sat in Haru’s bedroom. Haru calmly patted him between his shoulder blades until he stopped coughing. “W-w-w-w-wha….. What?!” Makoto spluttered, his face blushing from his cheeks all the way to his ears. “Where is this coming from…?!”

 

Haru did, truthfully, have a reason for making this abrupt request. It was something he had been thinking about for a while now. Even though he knew spiritually, mentally, and in his heart that his love for Makoto was genuine, he wanted to go all the way and prove it physically. He knew that he would love Makoto just the same even if they didn’t have sex, or if he was bad at it… But he still wanted to try it.

 

...of course, he could never say all that out loud. So he just shrugged.

 

“Do you even have the, you know… Right, materials?” Makoto asked nervously, his face still red.

 

“You mean condoms and lube?” Makoto flinched at Haru’s straightforwardness; sometimes it was alright, even cute, but in this situation, it made things a little uncomfortable. “Yes, I bought some just in case.”

 

“...a-ah… Well.” Makoto gulped, scratching the back of his head. “I mean, if you really want to…”

 

Haru furrowed his eyebrows slightly, tilting his head. “We don’t have to if you aren’t ready.”

 

“No!” Makoto insisted, taking Haru aback. “I...I’m ready.” He nodded, more to himself than Haru. After a deep breath, he put on his usual gentle smile. “I’d love to have sex with you, Haru.”

 

A small smile turned up at the corner of Haru’s lips. “Okay. Just follow my lead.”

 

They adjusted themselves into a more comfortable position, Makoto leaning against the wall and Haru straddling over him. Of course, this was the first time Haru had ever done anything like this, but he had read up on how to do it right. He was confident. He brought his lips to Makoto’s thick neck, kissing down it until he reached his shoulder. From there he continued kissing until he reached the collarbone, then moved across to the top button of his uniform top. He gave Makoto’s lips a tender kiss as he undid the button with skillful fingers. He kept their lips locked together as he undid the second button, slipped his tongue inside Makoto’s mouth during the third button while Makoto slipped his fingers through his dark hair, deepened the kiss until the sixth button, and then started planting warm kisses down Makoto’s chest and abdomen until all of the buttons were undone. Makoto’s grip on his hair tightened.

Now, he reached for the button on Makoto’s pants. He would undo that one, unzip the zipper, and start teasing him from down below… But as he reached, Makoto’s free hand grabbed him by the wrist. Haru’s eyes widened and he looked up at Makoto’s face. His eyes were clamped shut, his face burning, and he looked nervous; immensely more nervous than anyone should look during their first time. Haru had interpreted the tightening of his grip and the rapid beating of his heart as signs of pleasure, but now he realized it meant he was scared. He pulled his hands away.

 

“Makoto, we don’t have to do this,” he reminded him gently. Makoto still didn’t open his eyes.

 

“I-I know, but-!” He allowed one eye to open, and Haru felt a pang in his heart as he saw the tears welling up in it. “...I want to make you happy.”

 

Haru let out a quiet sigh, pressing his hand gingerly against Makoto’s cheek. “You _do_ make me happy.” To Haru’s surprise, Makoto looked away. That was odd… Makoto _adored_ eye contact, and loved it when Haru said romantic things like that. “...Makoto?”

 

Makoto murmured something under his breath, too quietly for Haru to hear. Now Haru was _really_ worried. “Makoto, what’s-”

 

“Am I just a replacement?” Makoto repeated, finally looking Haru in the eye. As opposed to adoring, though, he looked hurt and desperate.

 

“...what? What are you talking about?” Haru asked, confused.

 

“For Rin!” Makoto flinched at his own voice, lowering his gaze. “Am I just a replacement for Rin?” Haru tensed, and felt his heart shatter as he noticed a couple tears had slipped out of Makoto’s eyes and trickled down his cheeks. “...I won’t be sad or angry if you say yes. I just want the truth, is all. You’re allowed to go back to him if you want to... If you’re happy, then… I’m happy too,” he whimpered. It sounded as if it pained him to say these words.

 

This was the first time Haru had ever seen Makoto like this. He was always so optimistic… Had he been compressing these fears ever since Rin came back? It hurt Haru to think that Makoto had been feeling so upset and he didn’t even know about it. He took Makoto’s face in his hands and wiped the stray tears away with his thumbs, gently tilting his head up to look at him. “I love you, Makoto. ...I don’t say that a lot, but I mean it. I love you. I was just a kid when I loved Rin. If you were just a replacement for him, I wouldn’t love you half as much as I do,” he murmured.

 

A few more tears escaped Makoto’s eyes and he smiled sadly. “...I love you, too, Haru… Very, very much.” Haru smiled back at him, and pulled their faces closer so he could press their foreheads together. Makoto kissed him.

 

They didn’t have sex. Instead, they exchanged several loving kisses and lay snuggled in each other’s arms until it was time for dinner.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Meanwhile, Nagisa was sleeping over Rei’s place as he often did. They didn’t necessarily have anything planned; oftentimes, Rei would study and Nagisa would make himself comfortable, content with just being in the same room with his boyfriend. Currently, Rei was sitting on the sofa reading a novel, absently and consistently stroking Nagisa’s hair as he lay with his head in his lap. They had been like this for at least half an hour now, and both of them found it very enjoyable. But Nagisa’s mind had been preoccupied with something.

 

He let out a heavy sigh. “Drama is stupid, Rei-chan.”

 

Rei lifted an eyebrow, silently inviting him to elaborate.

 

“Well, it’s like…” Nagisa sat up, changing his position so that he was sitting cross-legged at Rei’s side. Rei slipped a bookmark in his book and closed it, crossing his legs (in a ladylike way). He could tell Nagisa was going to have a lot to say. Nagisa sighed again. “Can I tell you a story?”

 

Rei adjusted his glasses and nodded his head. “Go right ahead, you have my full attention.”

 

So Nagisa told him everything. He told him how Rin and Haru had dated when they were younger, but Makoto had liked Haru too, then Rin moved away and Haru started liking Makoto, but now Rin was back and he still liked Haru even though Haru and Makoto are dating. “How do you know he still has feelings for Haruka-senpai?” Rei inquired, tilting his head. Nagisa bit his bottom lip.

 

“...well…” He looked around, as if expecting someone to be eavesdropping inside Rei’s apartment. He even lowered his voice. “I saw him kiss him.”

 

Rei gasped, his eyes widening and his glasses misaligning. “Even though he’s with Makoto-senpai?!”

 

Nagisa nodded quickly. “It was when Rin came by to visit out of nowhere. I was just coming out of the locker room and BAM! There it was, Rin kissing Haru-chan. I didn’t tell anyone, ‘cause I thought it might be bad if I did… Haru-chan looked really upset and ran back to Mako-chan.”

 

Rei shook his head, fixing his glasses again. “How dramatic… ...do you believe Haruka-senpai may still have feelings for Rin-senpai, too?” he asked tentatively.

 

“Hmm…” Nagisa leaned way over until he fell against the arm of the couch. After a moment of thought, he sat up again and shook his head. “Nope, I think Haru-chan _really_ loves Mako-chan.” He smiled down at the floor, kicking his feet. “You know, ever since we were little I was always just their cheerleader. ‘Cause, nobody liked me, and I didn’t like anybody either! It was fun, buuut I guess it was a little lonely…” He turned his gaze up to Rei’s face, his demeanor sparkling. “But it’s okay, ‘cause now I have you, Rei-chan! And we don’t have any drama. So, I’m glad I was lonely back then.”

 

Rei smiled endearingly and gave Nagisa a quick peck on the forehead.

 

“Hey! You missed my lips, dumb Rei-chan!”

  
Rei laughed quietly, a soft blush on his cheeks, and “corrected” his kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think this was my favorite chapter so far. ^^ MakoHaru is my life blood and this fic was lacking in ReiGisa (which is my ENTIRE LIFE), so I managed to squeeze it in. There's only going to be one more chapter after this one, and then a brief conclusion.


	6. Chapter 6

Things were going well at Iwatobi. In a way, they were at Samezuka, as well. After his breakdown with Nitori, Rin decided his school and swimming performance would only suffer if he attempted to go on in his current scrambled state, and so he took a week’s absence from school. He stayed home with his mother and Gou, hardly ever leaving his room. It seemed unhealthy to be so immobile, but, he _was_ getting some well-needed rest.

 

His only connection to the outside world throughout the week was by text messages from Nitori. It wasn’t as if he blew up his inbox or anything, but he was the only person texting him. He left at least a couple messages like “How r u feeling?” or “Get better Senpai!!!” each day, all of which Rin ignored at first, but eventually replied to with one-word answers an hour later so Nitori didn’t have to worry too much.

 

He spent the week thinking over a lot of things. Haru, his old friendships, Nitori, his swimming, even bits and pieces of his dad. But every time his phone vibrated, his mind honed in on one person and gave them an extra dose of thought. So, come the next Monday, he made a decision.

 

Rin returned to school ready to start being immensely nicer to Nitori- Ai, as he would need to remind himself to call him if he really wanted to come off as friendlier. His heart fluttered oddly as he opened the door. “...hey, I’m back.”

 

Nitori gasped loudly as the door clicked closed behind him. He scrambled off of his bunk, nearly hitting his head on the ceiling and tripping down the ladder, and hurried to Rin with a sparkling smile. “Senpai! I’m so happy you’re back! Did you get a lot of rest? I could tell you weren’t feeling well, you really needed a break. I hope you feel better now-!” He paused, his smile fading and his entire demeanor calming down a bit. He shut his eyes tightly and clenched his fists, blushing and bowing his head. He took a deep breath and spoke at a normal pace. “...you’re allowed to take me whenever you want, Senpai. I’ll try not to cry again.”

 

Rin froze. Nitori _still_ forgave him?! ...but Rin controlled his temper this time. He grabbed Nitori by the wrist, which made him flinch slightly, and pulled him close, then placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. “...you shouldn’t say that. Don’t offer yourself up so easily; you’re better than that.” Nitori opened his mouth, but Rin had only just begun speaking. “What I did to you was horrible, and disgusting, and wrong, and I regret it _so_ much. You’re too nice for your own good. You shouldn’t have to live with yourself thinking that it’s okay to have someone treat you like that. Because, it isn’t. I don’t deserve your forgiveness, but, I _am_ sorry. I just want you to know that I would never do that in my right mind, and I’ll never hurt you like that again.”

 

“It’s okay, Senpai…! ...well, er, it’s _not_ okay. As in, it um, _did_ upset me a lot… But, I’m happy that you’re apologizing-! And, I accept your apology. ...but I mean, maybe I shouldn’t, ‘cause, you said you don’t want me to forgive you…” Nitori blushed and poked his fingers together, obviously embarrassed and frustrated with himself. “I just want you to be happy,” he squeaked.

 

Rin pulled away, his expression sobering. “You really shouldn’t be so concerned about me. I’m... not a good person.”

 

“That isn’t true!” Nitori countered immediately. “Just doing some bad things doesn’t make you a bad person…”

 

Rin sighed, smiling faintly. He gently ruffled Nitori’s hair and then left his hand resting atop his head. What should he say next…. ...something told him he knew exactly what needed to be said. He hesitated, knowing it would hurt to discuss it; although, compared to all the pain he had put Nitori through, it hardly mattered. Besides: Nitori was always offering to listen if he needed to talk something over, so, he decided it best to take him up on that offer.

 

“...you know Haruka Nanase, right?”

 

Nitori tilted his head under Rin’s hand. “Umm… Oh! From Iwatobi, right?”

 

“...yeah. Well…” Rin took a breath. This really _was_ difficult to talk about… “I went to the same school as him for a little while when we were kids. The entire Iwatobi club, actually, except for Ryugazaki… But Haru and I were closest. ...I mean, _really_ close.” He gulped, forcing the words out. “We were in love.”

 

Nitori’s eyes widened. “You and Nanase?! That’s cute…!” Rin couldn’t tell if he meant it, or was covering up for how much it actually hurt him.

 

“...yeah. We were only kids, but… I really liked him. But then I moved to Australia, and when I came back, for some reason I expected everything to be exactly like it was when we were kids. I thought we were just gonna pick up where we left off, start _actually_ dating, since we aren’t kids anymore… But, he had moved on. He’s with Makoto, now. One of the other Iwatobi guys… And, he seems to have completely gotten over me.” He let out a shaking sigh, covering his face with his hand. He really sounded pathetic, when he actually explained it… “...but I haven’t moved on. I’m so hung up on him, and no matter what I do I just can’t get over him.”

 

“Maybe I can help!” Nitori chimed quickly. He froze, and his face glowed red. “B-but, I’m not trying to get you to go out with me or anything!” he insisted frantically. “Not that, I would mind dating you, you’re really wonderful… B-but it isn’t like I have a crush on you or something-!” He made a sound that combined a squeak with a whimper and stared at the ground, blushing intensely.

 

Rin gazed at him softly. God, he was annoying… Yet oh, was he sweet. “Nitori. ….Ai. I still want want to know. How _do_ you feel about me? Honestly,” he prompted gently.

 

Nitori paused, collecting himself while still buzzing with flusteredness. “...um…” Still staring at the ground and blushing ear to ear, he wrung his hands above his stomach and gulped. “I, well… I think you’re very cool, and um… I-I, like you… ...a lot.” He closed his eyes tightly, squeezing his hands together. “I _love_ you, Senpai!”

 

Rin’s eyes widened, as if he didn’t have any inclination that Nitori felt that way about him. Maybe it was the fact that he had actually come out and admitted it that was so surprising… He smiled very slightly, and pulled Nitori’s head against his shoulder. He held him there, and for a moment they just stood in silence, Nitori wondering whether he should wrap an arm around Rin in return or just stay still. Rin opened his mouth and closed it, then built up the nerve to say what he wanted to. “I’m _falling_ in love with you, Ai.”

 

Now Nitori decided to hug Rin, wrapping both arms tightly around his waist and bursting into tears against his chest.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~

Gou could tell that things were going much better with her brother and her team- individually, at least. She wondered (and hoped) that things had mostly been settled, and so she arranged another Iwatobi-Samezuka joint practice.

 

Her hypothesis proved to mostly be correct. Rin was in high spirits when Iwatobi arrived, bouncing up from his stretches and welcoming them all with a big grin. They found his enthusiasm a bit suspicious, but figured it would be best to play along and returned his friendly greeting.

 

“So, Haru.” Haru and Makoto both tensed and Rei and Nagisa exchanged a nervous glance. However, Rin kept smiling. “How about a rematch?”

 

Their tension dissolved as quickly as it had come up. Makoto flashed a relieved smile and even Haru looked a little happy. He nodded. “Sure.”

 

This time, Rin and Haru were at the front of the line to race. They were neck-in-neck from the very beginning, and even made the turn in perfect sync. But then, one cheer made itself heard above the entirety of Samezuka: “ _YOU CAN DO IT, SENPAI_!”

 

Suddenly, Rin pulled ahead. Haru tried to close the gap, but it was useless; Rin only kept accelerating, until he touched down at least five whole seconds before Haru. Samezuka erupted into applause and the next race (it was Makoto’s turn) began.

 

Rin and Haru pulled themselves out of the pool, Rin grinning widely and Haru wearing his usual expression of apathy but with a sprinkle of passion shining in his eyes. Rin’s expression calmed down a notch as he faced Haru. “...hey… I’m sorry.”

 

Haru could tell he wasn’t referring to the race. He hesitated, but then gave him a sad, forgiving smile. “It’s fine. I’m over it.” He glanced at the pool, and his smile brightened a little when he saw that Makoto was winning his race. When he turned back to Rin, he wasn’t even looking at him; he was gazing affectionately at Nitori as he prepped for his own race.

 

“...I really am sorry,” Rin repeated absently, his eyes still glued to Nitori.

 

“And I really forgive you.”

 

Rin flashed a brief grin at Haru. “You should race me again after they finish all the circuits.”

 

“Yeah. I should.”

 

Makoto won his race, and Haru offered his hand to help him out of the pool. “Good job,” he murmured with a smile, pecking his lips.

 

“Haru-! In front of all these people…!” Makoto gasped, blushing but also unable to suppress a loving smile.

  
Rin smiled as he watched them, and maneuvered his way through the crowd to tell Nitori (who had just lost his race) that he did well.


	7. Conclusion

By the time a month had passed, everything had settled into place. Nationals passed (neither Samezuka nor Iwatobi scored first place), and though they were all a bit bummed about that, it gave them more time to focus on their relationships.

 

Even though neither of them had dated anyone else before, Rei and Nagisa seemed to have truly found the perfect person for them. They constantly bickered and teased one another, but that didn’t change the fact that they were so obviously smitten. They perfectly made up for each other’s flaws, and never got bored when they were together. Nagisa had never been happier in his entire life.

 

Makoto and Haru weren’t very vocal in their relationship; then again, they never had been, what with Haru’s quiet personality. Things were as they had been from the start, with the two of them always providing subtle affectionate gestures, kissing a bare minimum of three times every day, and rarely leaving each others’ sides. One night, when Makoto’s family wasn’t home, he decided to make up for their previous failure to have sex. He took Haru into the shower and pleasured him in ways Haru never even could have dreamed of.

 

A couple weeks after Nitori’s (or, Ai, as Rin had finally taken to calling him) love confession, Rin had stood in front of the entire Samezuka team, announced that Aiichirou Nitori was someone very special to him, and asked him to go out with him. Nitori had cried and said “I’d love to, Senpai-!” to which Rin replied “I’m your boyfriend, now. Call me Rin.” And now they were like a newlywed couple in the honeymoon phase, fawning over each other  and hardly ever upset.

 

Just because they had all found happiness in their personal relationships, though, didn’t mean they had grown apart from the others. On the contrary, Iwatobi was tighter knit than ever before, always going places as a group and being each others’ shoulders to lean on in every situation.  

 

Despite being on the rival team, Rin became much friendlier with them, too. All of the drama had finally dissolved and Rin merged back in with his old group of friends, even occasionally including Nitori when they hung out. Rin and Haru didn’t talk about their old feelings for each other anymore; if they did, they treated it as a joke, and the thing of the past that it was. The only hint of tensions between Rin and the Iwatobi boys were simple friendly rivalries, and sometimes they even competed to see who was the best boyfriend.

 

“...Rin?” Nitori said one night while they were studying together in the dorm.

 

“Yeah, babe?”

 

“...I’m really happy you didn’t stay in Australia,” he murmured with a little smile.

 

When Rin first discovered that Haru had moved on, the heartbreak was intense enough to make him wish that he’d never come back to Japan. He felt like he would never love again. Yet, now…

  
He lovingly returned Nitori’s smile. “So am I.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And that brings in end to this fic! I felt like I needed to add this extra little chapter to wrap up all loose ends... I feel like it ended a little too abruptly, but, this was just how I had planned it. ;-; If you came here wanting angst, I'm sorry to disappoint; I live for fluff, I'm all about happy endings~
> 
> Thank you for reading! :)


End file.
